Being a mom and being "smart".

Ok, being a mom....I've been thinking about my role, and society's perception of this job (and privilege) a lot lately. And, after reading an article about mothers in med school, passed on to me by my best friend (who is in medical school, a mother of one -- preggers with another, and the wife of a soldier, currently at war)(http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/12/opinion/12sibert.html?pagewanted=2&_r=2&ref=general&src=me) , I realized it may be time to voice my opinions.
|An argument I hear often is that smarter people have fewer babies and thus the population is getting dumber. Statistically, less educated people have more babies. More educated people have fewer babies because it is more difficult. That is all. People like me (graduate students, med students, lawyers), are discouraged to have children because of the time they will take away from their jobs for maternity leave. Notice, the maternity in that sentence. The pressure is put on the women. As Sibert would suggest, women should not be part time doctors, they should be dedicated to their profession. I have heard a similar argument about lawyers and PhDs. We spend so much time being educated, once we are we should be present all the time. It should become our lives (and men are, therefore, more viable candidates for these professions because they are "deadbeat" parents anyway, and should leave the parenting to the mothers). What a load of bullshit. If you want a smarter population make it easier for educated people to have babies.
Let me tell a little story: Recently my babysitter bailed on me for this September (I am in my second year of graduate school in English Literature), and I rushed to find another. I did, but after needing to double check my course schedule, she gave the spot away. I have called everyone I can think of, and have tried to post ads. I need childcare for two and a half hours for four days a week. Finally, I got so frustrated I sat down and wept like a baby. I felt so helpless. I want to stay home with my child, but I also want to continue with my education. I have gotten through two years of undergraduate and a year of graduate school with a baby, and it has never once been easy or gone the way I expected. People have not been as supportive or caring as I anticipated when I got pregnant (despite their exclamations of promised support). My friends can't understand my concerns because, for the most part, they do not even have committed relationships never mind children. I cannot, and do not, fault them for this. But, often the reaction is "why don't you just quit". You have no idea how many professors, family members and so forth have suggested I "give up". And do what, I ask? You need two incomes nowadays, especially with both parents being young professionals. So, I would trade grad school for a job in retail? Is that more justified? Would I get less slack? Having worked retail for a year my answer is this: I would. People are much more receptive to you taking time away from your children if you are "doing something" -- suggesting that grad school is not "doing something". I have been told, blatantly, by members of my family to "get a job already", as if being in school is some kind of selfish endeavour.
As of this moment I still do not have childcare for the fall, and I can assure you that I question myself on an hourly basis. Should I just give up? After all, I am destined to feel guilty about every conference I go to, every time I stay late at the university for a beer with classmates, every time I read an article while my son is watching Backyardigans and so forth. But, then I remember that I am good at what I do. I will be a better Prof because I have a life -- I have a child, I know what it is like to struggle with money, I know how to balance my life, I understand boundaries, and I can multi task like a machine.
The point is that Mothers are good professionals, even if they may spend less time at work (ie. not be workaholics), or may take time off for maternity leave (do I even have to mention the paternity leave issue?). We need more help, and to be more accepted. Feminism is about being able to be WOMAN and have to be equality as WOMAN, which includes child birth, and parenting if we want to continue as a species. Being a mother is the most valuable job in the world. We create and raise new people. So, let us do that. Support us while doing it. Don't judge us and push us out of academia, med school, and law school. Let us be fully rounded members of the world. We can succeed in and out of our homes, if we are given options that make sense for both the society in which we work, and the families in which we exist. I love being a mother, and I love being a graduate student. One really does make me better at the other.

Money, Marriage, and Managing Expectations. (I could write a self help book...but I won't...because I need more help than I could give myself).

Good morning world. Now, I'm no genius and I have not looked at any statistics, but I am noticing a particular kind of stress around me these last few years and it distresses me. When my friends who have never had a mental illness in their lives know the names of every anti-anxiety medication on the market we can be assured that we are in trouble. This morning my neck feels like a petrified version of its former self, my brain is full of numbers and lists of goals, and an even longer list of things I feel guilty about. I'd have to be an idiot if I did not know that this is not the way I wish I felt every day, and I can see the same sentiment in the faces of my friends and family. Of course, as an avid socialist my first finger points at the consumer driven society in which we live, which tells us to consume more than just things, but also certain partners, relationships and so forth. It is interesting how we allow the media, movies, books and marketing campaigns create for us an entire ideal life. And yet, I do believe the most detrimental thing about this process is allowing these structures to define our relationships and our expectations within those relationships. I think it sets up an ideal lover that does not exist, and an ideal relationship for that lover to exist within -- marriage. I am not suggesting that marriage cannot be a wonderful, mutually beneficial, stimulating thing. But, to be the person that has to be a perfect lover, a perfect friend, a perfect partner, a perfect son/daughter - in - law, perfect financial contributor, perfect community member, and a perfect parent (or to-be parent) is impossible -- my god, blow my head off now. Then, on top of that, to have to be the ideal friend to your friends, the ideal child to your parents, the ideal employee and so forth becomes the incredibly exhausting endeavour. No wonder we're all on valium, zoloft, ativan, prozac, and so on. One would have to dull their minds just to be able to say "mehhhh, I don't give a fuck today. I'm going to read a book/take a bath/take my kid to the beach without the perfect packed lunch, and four extra hats/ bake some cookies with *gasp* white flour."
We need to be kind to each other, and lessen our expectations. These movies, for example, are terribly toxic for romantic relationships. We cannot all be what's his name with the nice teeth and the ripped abs and the easy going demeanor from all those romantic comedies; or what is her name from all those other romantic comedies with the cute smile, the innocence, and the 45 pairs of shoes? They have scripts, and they are representations of the ideal some other person made up in their minds. This is not a new concept, but I know I am prey to these fluttering thoughts in my mind when I watch these things: "why can't ----- be more like that?", or "see, that's the kind of thing that ---- should do for me.". Holy cow. No. Next time you sit down to watch any popular movie, please bring along an elastic band, place it around your wrist, and every time you feel the urge to think "if only....", just snap it. It's a trick I learned from ER, but hey, it might just work in this case!
The point is, we KNOW these are ideals, we KNOW we cannot possibly live up to the expectations set before us by commercials, or cute romantic comedies, but yet we still seem to put these pressures on ourselves and those around us. We do need to live more simply, but it is hard in a system that does not promote that kind of life. Productivity is king in a capitalist society, and people are more productive when they are working toward something they may never achieve (like the horse with the carrot dangling infront of its face). Also, extreme productivity keeps us from really considering our lives, wants and desires. We may realize that we are content with less crap in our houses (because there is less to clean and be responsible for), less hours at work (more time with family), less money (less fear of losing it). So, carry around your elastic band, and every time you get the urge to buy some extravagance on credit, or feel guilty for eating a popsicle, or for taking an hour a day to sit in a quiet place and read a book with your mobile device turned off, your tv in the next room, and your laptop closed, snap it. The next time you want to yell at your partner for not being perfect, or feel guilty for the same thing, snap it. Try to think about WHY you feel that way, really think. I know I am going collect all of the elastic bands in my house and line them up my wrists. People might think I am strange, but hey, it's about happiness and forgetting the names of all the pills that help us "deal" with our lives. Just take a step back and breathe. It will all be ok.